A Different Type Of Oscar Gamble

Willets Pen presents a handy MLB-centric guide to the Academy Awards for those who may not have been paying attention

Unless you’re some sort of weirdo Christpher Nolan-like anomaly, the way you have consumed movies has likely fundamentally changed since, oh, approximately March 2020. For most wide-release movies, you now usually have an option within a few weeks of the film coming out to buy that movie to watch in your very own home for less total cost than a night out at the local AMC (despite how much Nicole Kidman wants you to feel pain).

But I’ve run into a whole lot of people (especially people in the sports-watching community) who have suddenly realized each of the past few years that the Academy Awards are upon them (it’s on ABC this Sunday, by the way) and, “Oh wow, I haven’t even SEEN most of these movies!”

Well, I’m here to help you have a rooting interest in the Best Picture race, using helpful baseball analogies. And you don’t even have to have seen the movies! Just root with your heart. (Don’t worry, other 20 teams, I’ll give you some handy tips as well.)

THE BEST PICTURE NOMINEES AND THEIR MLB COUNTERPARTS

All Quiet On The Western Front — The Seattle Mariners: A meticulously-crafted foreign film about the excruciating, inescapable horrors of war and the toll those horrors take on the shell-shocked participants, who find themselves confronted with the reality of a postwar society they are ill-equipped to return to — and a world that is not prepared to receive them. That pretty much sums up what it’s been like to be a Mariners fan, lo these past many years. Oh, and this movie is an extreme, overwhelming underdog in this category. Sounds right to me.

Avatar: The Way of Water — The Atlanta Braves: The most expensive movie ever made. The third-highest grossing movie of all time. The sequel to the highest-grossing movie of all time. Part two in a Disney franchise that’s going to consist of at least five movies. A paper-thin allegory about magical natives that’s full of spectacle with the all-time king of spectacle at the helm. And yet, all the people who griped about “the death of cinema” and “they only make superhero movies/proven property films anymore” for years on end were enthusiastically rooting for this movie to make all the money in the world. The Braves dump tons of money to lock up their young stars and trade acquisitions early and long-term and send out press releases bragging about it, and MLB fanbases that have been getting kicked around by the Braves (in the regular season) for decades say “hell yeah babey love the braves babye.” Now it is absolutely a mostly-positive thing that the Braves are splitting the difference between Steve Cohen and the Pirates by not crying poverty and buying out arbitration years to get massive discounts in the long term, but come on. They’re the enemy. Don’t root for them! I mean, you can if you want to. It’s your money.

The Banshees of Inisherin — The Toronto Blue Jays: There is basically nothing to dislike about this film, which is deeply weird and doesn’t have a prayer of winning Best Picture. Similarly, the Blue Jays are one of the most fun and likable teams you can find in baseball. Vladdy Guerrero, Bo Bichette, Alejandro Kirk, Kevin Gausman, Brandon Belt, Daulton Varsho, and the always intense Matt Chapman? Hell yeah buddy, I’ll root for that team. They won’t win, but I’ll root for them!

Elvis — The Houston Astros: This movie is obnoxious, but it definitely isn’t bad. Now, Blonde is a bad movie, but thankfully it wasn’t nominated for anything of importance. (It’s exceptionally bad.) Elvis is an assault on the senses, but you really can’t tear your eyes away from it. Every time you blink there’s something whirling or soaring or there’s a really cool song or a really baffling song and over there in the corner is Tom Hanks doing a Goldmember impression for absolutely no reason. The Astros are obnoxious in the same way. Elvis is like the “he can’t keep getting away with it” GIF in baseball form, and Baz Luhrmann’s latest rhinestone-engorged opus is the same way. You don’t understand it, you feel like you probably should hate it … but there’s just something there, isn’t there?

Everything Everywhere All At Once — The Cleveland Guardians: Everything Everywhere All At Once, like Elvis, is a whole lot to take in the first time you see it. It’s a movie that you sort of just have to let happen to you while you try to process everything that’s happening and a whole lot is flying past you while an additional whole lot is making your brain expand in real time. That’s what watching the current brand of Guardians baseball is like. THIS team is this good? They’re just a bunch of contact hitters, and it works? Can you DO that? HOW ARE THEY GETTING SO MANY INFIELD SINGLES

The Fabelmans — The New York Yankees: An exquisitely crafted masterclass in filmmaking by arguably the best filmmaker of all time. But like … we’ve seen that before. It’s a Steven Spielberg movie, of course it’s going to be good. There are some transcendent moments (the final 30 minutes of this movie — and especially the final scene — are the movie equivalent of Aaron Judge’s 2022 season), but at the end of the day it’s just a really good movie with no problems by a guy who can do whatever he wants with whatever budget he wants. And that’s what Steven Spielberg is going to do, every year, forever. (Except when he makes The BFG, I guess.) Kiss da ringz baybee.

Tár — The Boston Red Sox: Would you like to spend two and a half hours with a problematic, deeply unhappy person? That sounds like Title Town to me! Load up on Dunkin beforehand, kid.

Top Gun: Maverick — The San Diego Padres: Loud, expensive, thrilling, terrifying, loaded with nostalgia, joyful, hilarious, patriotic, and containing the possibility that Tom Cruise will die in a fiery jet explosion at any moment. Except for the Tom Cruise part, that sounds li — OH NO FERNANDO, STOP!

Triangle of Sadness — The New York Mets: A bunch of rich people barfing? Step right up and meet the Mets!

Women Talking — The Rays: A quiet, small movie with enormous implications. An exercise in economy, minimalism and intelligence. A movie that is what it says it is, just a debate over what you prefer to experience for the remainder of your life on this earth. The Rays are a debate about how resources should be used and utilized. 

AND THE REST OF THE LEAGUE!

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery  — The St. Louis Cardinals: How are they so good at every aspect of their baseball operations? That’s a mystery worthy of Benoit Blanc. It makes no sense. Compels me, though.

Puss In Boots: The Last Wish — The Philadelphia Phillies: An absolute romp about a loveable scamp getting one last shot at glory. 

Babylon — The Los Angeles Dodgers: A love letter to tinseltown’s most batshit era of anything-goes anarchy. A film consisting of nothing but enormous swings and inexplicable excess. 

The Whale — The Los Angeles Angels: A couple of amazing performances from people you like in the middle of a huge fucking mess.

RRR — The Milwaukee Brewers: Anything is possible through the power of friendship. Please watch RRR and please give the Brewers a chance.

Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin — The San Francisco Giants: He just doesn’t understand why you don’t like him no more.

The Sea Beast — The Miami Marlins: BRING BACK THE HOME RUN STATUE

Turning Red — The Baltimore Orioles: So much to love and feel good about in this tale of friends and family, but it deserves better.

Empire Of Light — The Minnesota Twins: A few brilliant performers, a lot of problems, but damned if it isn’t lovely to look at.

A House Made Of Splinters — The Chicago Cubs: NOTE: I do not know what this movie is about.

Living — The Chicago White Sox: Life isn’t always what you expect, but there’s beauty to be found every now and then.

Brendan Gleeson in the Banshees of Inisherin — The Detroit Tigers: “I do worry sometimes I might just be entertaining myself while staving off the inevitable.”

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On — The Kansas City Royals: This team is sweet and I assume nearly all of them own shoes.

Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths — The Texas Rangers: Like the Buddhist concept for which this film is named, the 2023 Texas Rangers exist in the liminal state between death and rebirth.

Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert, the directors known as Daniels — The Arizona Diamondbacks: We’re all just really excited to see what they come up with next. 

How Do You Measure A Year? — The Cincinnati Reds: Look, I’m gonna be honest, Reds fans — this isn’t going to be very fun. Spend time with your loved ones this summer instead.

My Year Of Dicks — The Pittsburgh Pirates: This is mostly about Bob Nutting, tbh.

Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio — The Oakland Athletics: Just like A’s fans with their team’s ownership, people around Pinocchio can tell when he’s lying.

Blonde — The Washington Nationals: Just the absolute worst.

The Batman — The Colorado Rockies: oh shit i forgot this existed.