Mick and Danny Won the Breakup
The F1 season got underway on Sunday and while I could talk about Ferrari and their lovely new collection of rakes to step on, I love myself and all of you more than that. Instead, let’s talk about the important part. Who won last year’s messiest F1 breakups.
Mick’s Side Piece Glow Up
If you haven’t been paying attention to the drama at the bottom of grid, after a mostly disappointing and very costly 2022 (despite scoring his first points in F1), the notoriously cash strapped Haas moved on from Mick Schumacher in favor of someone a little less ballsy in the form of Nico Hulkenberg.
Our nepo baby angel is clearly thriving under the watchful eye of Noted Cubic Austere Austrian Toto Wolff, and Mercedes admin clearly understands what the people want, making better use of Mick’s Germanic retriever puppy charm in one offseason than Haas did in ever. Combine this with getting some screen time during the race at Toto’s side and Mick’s gotten more positive media coverage since Christmas than he did in the entirety of his Haas career. Meanwhile, Kevin Magnussen and Hulkenberg were non-entities in the race, finishing P13 and P15 in a race that only 17 cars finished and in which Lando Norris pitted approximately six dozen times while nursing what appeared to be an issue with his pneumatic system. But hey, at least K-Mag and Hulk saved Gene Haas some money.
Elsewhere, former Haas driver Romain Grosjean started the IndyCar season opener on pole for would-be F1 brand Andretti, ahead of Pato O’Ward in the McLaren. There are levels to this stuff! Which leads us to…
Maybe Danny Wasn’t Your Most Pressing Concern, Zak Brown
A little further up the paddock, McLaren traded in one Australian for a younger (and less aggressively media friendly) model in the form of Oscar Piastri. Piastri came to McLaren, you may remember, in one of the weirdest contract dramas in recent memory, which resulted in Otmar Sfaznauer and Alpine threatening to sue Piastri after they announced Piastri would be driving for them seemingly without informing him and he informed them in turn that he’d be heading to McLaren thank you very much.
McLaren had an open seat in the first place because they decided to part ways with erstwhile star Daniel Ricciardo, who has since gone on to Win The Breakup. Much like Mercedes swooping in to make Mick Schumacher the most popular reserve driver in the sport, Red Bull realized they could augment their uber-talented but not exactly media friendly star with the most entertaining guy to grace the grid in years. It’s the perfect solution for Red Bull, who can leave Max Verstappen to his serial killeresque efficiency on the track and his minimally required media duties and let Danny Ric make the late night TV appearances. For his part Danny has sparkled as usual, reminding everyone that, racing success aside, he’s still the best interview anywhere in the vicinity of the paddock.
Ricciardo has also had a Win The Break Up worthy offseason social media presence, including hanging out with Josh Allen, riding dirt bikes, keeping up with his car karaoke, and the social media launch of a lovely new girlfriend, reminding everyone that he is Living His Best Life and best not doubt it.
Meanwhile, well. McLaren had an uneven pre-season testing and in the first race of the year came out with a DNF and P17, both thanks to more of the reliability issues that haunted the team last year. I’m not saying Danny had a great 2022, but maybe spend more time building a car you can keep on the track and less time causing public drama, Zak.
Honorable Mentions
While they don’t qualify for the official Winning The Break Up titles as the initiators of the break up, I would be remiss not to mention Fernando Alonso and Pierre Gasly. A podium for Alonso and Aston Martin, a points finish for Gasly and the Frenchiest team on the grid, and a win all the way around for the petty and the haters amongst us
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Lovely New Collection of Rakes