The 2023 WrestleMania/Baseball Analogy Article

You probably knew this was coming

Editor’s note: All of the art is a result of putting Bill’s exact words into Midjourney. He did not ask for this to be done, but it also resulted in the cool cover art.

WrestleMania 39 takes place on Saturday and Sunday (yes, it’s two days long now), and maybe you’re thinking, “Hey, Willets Pen! I don’t even know nothin’ about no wrestlin’! I’M WALKING HERE!” (That’s how Mets fans talk, right?)

Well, fear not. Baseball returning the same week as WrestleMania makes this truly the holiest of sports times, and I’m not aware of any other holy holidays coming up, so allow me to break down this year’s WrestleMania card using some analogies that any baseball fan can understand and appreciate.

(Note, this is not the entire WrestleMania 39 card, because there are 13 matches announced so far, and I don’t think any of us, including me, has the patience to sit through that long of an article.)

Rey Mysterio vs. Dominik Mysterio

This is basically like when Shohei Ohtani struck out Mike Trout to end the World Baseball Classic. Okay, it’s not exactly the same, since no one has ever confused Dominik Mysterio for being one of the best in the world in his chosen profession. But this is a real-life father and son going toe to toe to prove who is better, and who should respect whom. And Rey Mysterio IS one of the greatest ever. He’s going into the WWE Hall of Fame this very week! Actually, maybe this is more like in The Natural when 60-year-old Robert Redford gets off the train to strike out the Babe Ruth proxy. 

Intercontinental Championship: GUNTHER ( c ) vs. Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre

This is the pro wrestling match equivalent of when you’re at a baseball game and there’s a guy sitting next to you who maybe doesn’t follow baseball REAL closely and Dan Vogelbach or Kyle Schwarber or Giancarlo Stanton comes up to bat and this guy (for some reason, this guy is always holding a beer) says “Oh ho ho, a big boy!” These are the big, beefy, beautiful boys who only hit dingers, but they hit them REAL GOOD. Sheamus is a big pale Peaky Blinders cosplayer who just clobbers people all day. McIntyre is an enormous, hairy Scottish dude who looks like if the dad from Brave was jacked and hot, and GUNTHER (the all-caps are important) is a no-nonsense Austrian motherfucker whose signature move is hitting people for real, as hard as he can, in the chest. You’re going to wince during this match. Because these are the big boys.

Hell in a Cell: Edge vs. “The Demon” Finn Bálor

Hell in a Cell used to be really scary and impressive and dangerous, but now it’s basically just the backdrop to something safe and normal. Similarly, “The Demon” persona of Finn Bálor used to be awe-inspiring and unstoppable, so this match is really like the most reckless and wild dude you knew in high school, but now you go to ballgame with them every few years and they have like one beer and fall asleep in their seat in the fifth inning. It’s the kids, man. The kids wear you out. Wanna get some nachos? I could do nachos.

Brock Lesnar vs. Omos

You can take your pick of baseball analogy on this one. This is either when the Yankees are playing the Reds or Pirates in early August, or it’s when you want to watch baseball, but the only game on is like the YouTube-only broadcast of, let’s say, the Tigers vs. … okay, the Reds are going to be involved in both analogies. 

Basically: No one is happy about this and there are a lot of better options here, but it’s happening, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Seth “Freakin’” Rollins vs. Logan Paul

Yes, YouTube star Logan Paul. Yes, the brother of the YouTube boxer. No, he’s actually frustratingly fantastic at pro wrestling. This is a showcase match between two obnoxious but talented parties, so the appropriate analogy here is when Braves vs. Cardinals is the national Sunday Night Baseball game.

WWE United States Championship: Austin Theory ( c ) vs. John Cena

It’s John Cena! Everyone loves John Cena! And he’s here! He’s wrestling! His opponent? I dunno, some guy. If this isn’t a perfect 1:1 description of the last two years of Albert Pujols, I don’t know what to tell you.

WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship: Charlotte Flair ( c ) vs. Rhea Ripley

Respectfully, Rhea Ripley is the enormous swole goth mami that people of all genders and orientations wish would stand on their neck. Rhea Ripley is the wrestling equivalent of when that ball hit Sean Murphy in his perfect dump truck.

Undisputed WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos ( c ) vs. Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens

No one has had a bigger, more emotional groundswell of support for being a loveable, plucky underdog with a massive heart than Sami Zayn over the past year. Everyone loves Sami Zayn! And they love that he’s back with his IRL best friend, Kevin Owens!

I’m trying to come up with a good baseball analogy for this one, but I don’t think I can, because I don’t think anything in baseball is as beautiful and pure as Sami Zayn. Maybe the best I can come up with is when Randy Arozarena fell down like six times on the way to the plate and still scored the winning run in that World Series game. This match is all about feel-good moments from the undisputed master of making you root for him.

WWE Universal Championship: Roman Reigns ( c ) vs. Cody Rhodes

This is Astros vs. Phillies, but the Phillies might actually win this time. Oh, also, instead of Jeremy Pena and Yordan Alvarez, the Astros have Emperor Palpatine and the hunter who killed Bambi’s mom.