This might be the single best pitch ever thrown.
Like, not hyperbole. That might be the single best pitch ever thrown.
Since Shohei Ohtani is beyond describing with words, numbers, music, electromagnetic fields… let’s let baseball sit for a moment and focus on the home front.
The folks at Hell Gate have presented a field of 64 for NYC hot takes, and, yeah, okay… it’s good to have this forum because this could be an entire day’s worth of tweets.
So, I’m just gonna go through their bracket, give you the winners, and provide all the correct analysis along the way to find out the champion take. My analysis in bold, winners in italics.
BROOKLYN REGION
(1) The best pizza in NYC can be found at Domino’s. Domino’s is underrated, but no. vs. (16) No one should live remotely close to Newtown Creek or the Gowanus Canal. Probably, and Willets Pod just touched on this.
(8) Free concerts are a trap. You get what you pay for. vs. (9) Coney Island is a better beach than the Rockaways. If you’d said Brighton Beach, maybe. Coney Island is a lousy beach.
(5) There are too many bars in NYC. No, there are too many bars in close proximity to each other. vs. (12) Jazz in bars should be banned. This is ludicrous. Don’t go to jazz bars, then.
(4) Public urination should not be against the law. Correct, especially given the public bathroom situation in this town. vs. (13) Chinese food ranking: Sunset Park > College Point > Flushing > Chinatown. How are you even quantifying this? Remarkably stupid to even try wading into it. Go away.
(6) We should bring back speed dating. Okay? Isn’t that just what apps are now, basically? vs. (11) The City MUST subsidize beer at BRIC events (should cost no more than $5). Oh please.
(3) You should be able to park for free at metered spots on Saturdays, too, not just Sundays. If anything, you should have to pay on Sundays, too. vs. (14) To find the best Italian food, look for an elderly man whose political views are not for public consumption. This is a lazy take, but at least it’s not completely wrong.
(7) Prospect Park > Central Park. In some ways, at least, sure. vs. (10) Prospect Park is boring and I don’t want to go to your birthday picnic there. That’s a you problem.
(2) Rats are fine. They’re not, but this is a better take than its more obnoxious opponent. vs. (15) If well drinks cost more than $10 at a bar, vandalism should be legal there. Good lord, people, dive bar attendance is not a personality.
REGIONALS: (4) Legalize public urination > (8) Free concets are a trap; (7) Prospect Park > (14) Old racists know good food. Winner: (4) Public urination should not be against the law.
MANHATTAN REGION
(1) The Astor Place cube sucks. Yeah. vs. (16) East River park was falling apart and it’s fine to rebuild it. They should expand the park and close the FDR forever.
(8) The Oculus is actually pretty cool. But it still sucks. vs. (9) Cars should be banned below 96th Street. Cars should be banned on the entire island.
(5) The NYU student who hated studying abroad in Florence is right – studying abroad sucks. This is another you problem. vs. (12) The Empire State Building is ugly and the Chrysler Building should be more famous instead. The Empire State Building is maybe the most overrated place in the entire city.
(4) All Broadway musicals are terrible. Ludicrous blanket statement. vs. (13) Gramercy Park should be municipalized. And all of the key holders should be egged on opening day.
(6) The Elizabeth Street Garden should absolutely become housing. Eh… there are so few gardens, and turning that one into housing is not going to solve anything, really. vs. (11) It’s fine to wear open-toed shoes out and about. Grow up! Why are you looking at everyone’s feet, Quentin? Mind your business.
(3) The new white CitiBike e-bikes are too heavy and bumpy and bad. They look ridiculous, too. vs. (14) Tammany Hall was good. I’m gonna do the whole Matt Damon “do you like apples” scene if this becomes an actual topic.
(7) Everyone should shop at Whole Foods – it’s cheaper! This is just weird? vs. (10) We must drain and pave over the East River. Pave, no. Turn into a miles-long wildlife preserve? Let’s talk.
(2) The Vessel is actually cool/good/beautiful. No it ain’t. vs. (15) Food halls are overrated. It’s not exciting on I-95 and it’s not exciting in the city.
REGIONALS: (13) Municipalize Gramercy Park > (9) Ban cars below 96th Street; (3) Disappointing CitiBikes > (10) Drain and pave the East River. Winner: (13) Municipalize Gramercy Park.
QUEENS REGION
(1) George Santos rules. Way funnier than the last fascist we sent to Washington. vs. (16) Kiss > Ramones > Simon and Garfunkel. Put Simon and Garfunkel according to your taste, but the order is Ramones > Kiss, and that’s not up for debate.
(8) Clubs and dive bars should have a separate bathroom for people who want to do drugs. Suck it up. Or snort it up. Whatever. vs. (9) Breezy Point should be seized through eminent domain and turned into a public beach. Obviously.
(5) People who say there’s good BBQ in NYC are lying to themselves. It’s not as bad as people make it out to be, but it’s also not GOOD BBQ. vs. v(12) Either the Whitestone Bridge or the Throggs-Neck must be torn down – we can’t have both. Put trains on them.
(4) Street cleaning should always be just once a week. Duh. vs. (13) There are too many firehouses. What drugs were you doing in that bathroom?
(6) The NYC public school year should end in May, not the end of June. Then they’d start in August, which is worse. vs. (11) The subway should have a smoking car. Deranged, but in the new weed capital of the world…
(3) The Mets are not uniquely cursed. Oh baby, how much time do you got? vs. (14) Douglaston is on Long Island, not in Queens. You can’t just make shit up and call it a take.
(7) The Queens/Nassau border doesn’t exist. This is a way better version of the 14 seed, and spiritually accurate. vs. (10) People that throw bread for pigeons are assholes. Mind your business.
(2) Actually, the street numbers make sense, you just want an excuse not to go to Queens. It’s a little confusing in Astoria, for about 30 seconds. But keep not coming to Queens, you don’t deserve it. vs. (15) Sunnyside Spider-Man > Forest Hills Spider-Man. This isn’t even a hot take, it’s just true. Unfortunate matchup.
REGIONALS: (4) Die, alternate side parking! > (1) George Santos; (3) Mets > (7) Queens/Nassau border isn’t real. Winner: (3) The Mets are not uniquely cursed.
THE BRONX REGION
(1) Bill de Blasio is the best mayor NYC has ever had. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. vs. (16) Riverdale is not in the Bronx. Spiritually, again, understandable, but stop arguing with maps.
(8) The New York City Council should be dissolved. I’d like to hear more? Useless organization for the most part. vs. (9) The ferries are the best way to get around the city. From a comfort standpoint, absolutely.
(5) The Yankees should allow facial hair, but only full handlebar mustaches and failing that their players must be completely hairless. Are we talking full body wax, too? vs. (12) City outdoor pools should be open year-round. In some form or another… yes.
(4) The city’s health rules for restaurants are too strict (and racist…….) The famously strict New York City restaurant health codes??? vs. (13) We should have corporal punishment for a select few absentee landlords, just to keep them all in line. Embrace having to live in the places they neglect as “corporal punishment,” and let’s roll.
(6) Showtime subway dancers deserve more love and respect. A lot of them suck. Standards have dropped. But they’re still out there putting on better shows than Jerry Seinfeld reading a list of complaints. vs. (11) Staten Island should be given independence (come what may). Here’s my hot take: Staten Island is actually good.
(3) We need to give firefighters more things to do. THEY. FIGHT. FIRES. vs. (14) Park conservancies should be abolished. NIMBYs dressed up as environmental advocates. 100% accurate take.
(7) Just make Marble Hill part of the Bronx, this is stupid. Unlike some of the others, this one is a good take. They changed the course of the Spuyten Duyvil Creek between the tip of Manhattan and the Bronx, and it left Marble Hill, once part of Manhattan Island, as part of the mainland. If you redraw the river, redraw the map. vs. (10) New York City should not have any zoos. Quite possibly the worst take on the list.
(2) Bagels have become too big. You’ve become too weak. vs. (15) All cars entering the city must have internal horns that are louder than their external horns. It’s really not the horns that are the problem, but love the idea.
REGIONALS: (5) Yankees must be either mustachioed or fully hairless > (9) Ferries; (7) Marble Hill should be part of the Bronx > (14) Abolish park conservancies. Winner: (7) Just make Marble Hill part of the Bronx, this is stupid.
CITY CHAMPIONSHIP
(13) Gramercy Park should be a public park > (3) The Mets are not uniquely cursed.
The nature of the Mets’ cursing may not be unique, but the way they go about living through it sure is. Way too many of these takes were simply awful, so here’s the First Four Out, as I see it anyway…
Brooklyn: (17) The Nathan’s on the Coney Island boardwalk is better than the main Nathan’s on Surf Avenue.
Manhattan: (17) They should’ve built that stadium at Hudson Yards even though NYC didn’t get the Olympics, at least everyone expects the Jets to suck.
Queens: (17) LaGuardia > JFK and it isn’t even really that close. MUCH LIKE KENNEDY AIRPORT.
Bronx: (17) Orchard Beach is the best beach in the city.
Staten Island (1): The Hudson-Bergen Light Rail should be extended over the Bayonne Bridge and to the St. George ferry terminal along Richmond Terrace.
But the champion of all NYC takes? Every road in the city with multiple lanes for automobile traffic should be reduced to one lane, with the rest of the space given to bikes, light rail, green space… anything but cars.
We Can Pod It Out 73: In My Life