Base Ball Thirst Traps of the 19th Century
Ryan Kelly takes you back to a simpler time, when getting to third base simply meant hitting a triple, and fans had a different relationship with their heroes on the field
Project ShaqBox Trivia: A double dip of trivia today with the Phillies coming to Queens for the weekend (much to Keith Hernandez’s chagrin)…
The late Phillies manager Danny Ozark was once quoted as saying “Even Napoleon had his ____________” … fill in the blank.
Ruben Amaro was briefly the Mets’ first base coach, then an advisor to Brodie Van Wagenen, what feels like a hundred years ago but was actually three. Even longer ago, Amaro — now a Phillies broadcaster — was a Phillies player, just like his father, Ruben Amaro. Which Amaro had a higher career batting average against the Mets?
Oh, and remember earlier today? I was all like we’re putting a lot of thought into our writing, and it’s the podcasts that are more fun… well, this is one of those days when the writing is just fun, so… enjoy!
Mr. Wright Then
By Ryan Kelly
George Wright… hello.
You lock eyes at the Base Ball Grounds. Wright asks for a base ball, dips a pen in the dugout inkwell, and scribbles on it. Gives the ball and pen to the Team Boy. He’s heading your way.
Hey girl, says the ball. Allow me to apologize profusely for my exposed forearms1. While this is a gentlemanly game, it is also a man’s game, and we are not above exhibiting the brutality of ages past, harkening back to the Gladiatorial blood sport of Ancient Rome. Girl, I really like you. Please permit me to call upon you this evening. Your humble servant, G. Wright.
That’s a lot of writing, but the base ball is the size of a cantaloupe. “Ahem,” says the boy. He needs it back; it’s the only one they’ve got. You write your address on the ball, and George plays a 12-hour game with it. There are only six fist fights between the teams, a record low for our National Game.
At home, you sit in the parlor. You’re breathless – thinking of George, but also, a whale bone corset is crushing your organs. That’s okay – between the paint and wallpaper in your house, you’d just be huffing lead and arsenic fumes anyway.
George shows up. Does he look like Ryan Gosling? You know it, girl! (Though you don’t know how you know it, since Ryan Gosling won’t be born until 60 years after you die). Is his body riddled with consumption and scarlet fever? Probably, girl! So is yours!
For dinner, he could take you somewhere fancy – roast pheasant, or mutton chops with mint jelly. Or you could go casual – he knows where to find the best salted beef and boiled potatoes in town. Girl, either way, you’re getting intestinal parasites.
After dining, George walks you along the moonlit river. He lights a cigar and throws the match in the water. The entire waterway bursts into flames. Girl, he says. We may be downstream from the McCullough Turpentine Works. But this river of burning chemicals and solvents represents how you light my fire.
You grow lightheaded, and wake up in 2022. It wasn’t lead or arsenic fumes or a river of burning turpentine – you hallucinated it all thanks to a lifelong buildup of microplastics in your brain.
That’s OK, George, you think. You can haunt my attic anytime.
Trivia answer: It’s often Yogi Berra who gets credit for “Even Napoleon had his Watergate,” but the quote was in fact Ozark’s, one of many gems from the late Phillies skipper of the 1970s. Meanwhile, both Rubens Amaro fared well against the Mets in their careers, but when it comes to batting average, it’s Junior with the edge — .305 to .271 — although Senior collected 32 hits (in 118 at-bats) to his son’s 27 (in 95 at-bats). Ruben Amaro Jr. had one more RBI than his dad against the Mets, but the old man hit the only homer of the two, a three-run shot off Ron Locke in a 12-5 Phillies romp at Connie Mack Stadium in 1964.
*Thanks to Gamjatang in the Willets Pen Discord for this detail